It was you and I, and I and you.
And I began to become you, more and more. So much that I lost the “I” that had made me the person I was. No sense of identity, no individuality. I was consumed by you. A soul emptied out and re-constructed under my own watchful eyes. I let this happen. I let myself burn into ash while present in your passionate, untamed company.
I was mad for whatever handful, or spoonful of love, you were willing to give me in the night, or the next night. Or perhaps not just now.Perhaps “when I’m not too busy” time.
So I let myself fall deeper and deeper. Enough so, until all this…this emptiness…became suffocating. The little that remained of me, often reached out, stopped me in my self-destructive tracks with a rude awakening.
My heart would mourn, blackened and desperate. Growing colder with each rejection and sinking into a bottomless chasm. I yearned for those two, meaningless words I was willing to do anything for.The words that I was willing to play second best for, if only to have your attention for a moment.
Come over. And so I did. I always did.
It was so unfair.
And my soul knew, just as much as my entire being did, that no eyes would ever burn with such passion for me, as they did when you allowed them to. So I waited for something that would never come. I waited for you to allow yourself to love me. For you to give me a chance, like a student at a job interview with no credentials to their name.
I made excuses for the girls I saw you with, and apologized when you told me it was none of my business. It wasn’t… and besides, all I had given to you was my entire being, my heart and body and spirit.
And I chose to remain nameless when I knew that no other lips would ever stop my breath when they uttered my name the way yours had.
I remained nameless when the numbness of my anti-depressant pills wore off and I stared at myself, no longer “us”. Just me. In my own identity, with a history already developing in my name.
The girl who was rejected.The pathetic, hopeless romantic. The desperate, needy, abandoned girl.
The depressed girl.
The girl in the headlines in the news last night. The girl who killed herself.
I became nameless.
I was just a girl. Among a sea of other girls.
And when I died, I was just a body. Put out wordlessly and quickly. Like a candle.